Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Now that Amy is with Reagan, Karma is having strong feelings for the friend whom she never gets a chance to see.
1. Chapter 1

_*I had been planning on writing an xmas themed karmy one-shot with fluff and cuteness but then this thing turned into the beginning of a really depressing multi-chapter fic so I apologize in advance for the sadness and pain*_

**Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow**

**Part I**

Amy has been hanging out with Reagan non-stop. Though Karma has been patient and holding back as much as possible with her fears, she's been utterly depressed, undeniably abandoned, and overwhelmingly rejected by the only person in her life who has ever really meant a damn.

"Hey there stranger!" Amy said, plopping down at Karma's table for lunch. She threw her bag up on the table-top with a disruptive plot, invading Karma's space.

"Hey…" Karma sighed. She was writing song lyrics into a new journal Amy got her as a gift over the weekend at some street fair festival thing that Reagan was working at.

Karma would usually be excited to see Amy but the sight of Amy with no food could mean only one thing.

"Reagan coming again?"

"Yup," Amy sighed contentedly. She had that look she usually had. Lately she'd been so completely content it was apparent in every movement she'd create, every noise, smile or twitch.

The more Karma noticed the more horrible she felt about her own life. Not to mention guilty. She felt guilty now for feeling so much in secret, hiding it from her dear friend whom had already suffered enough.

"What's wrong?" Amy asked, coming to. Until now she had been lost out in dreamland.

"What?" Karma asked. She wasn't aware that her face was betraying her by showing any hint of her inner turmoil. But Amy knew her friend and though she had been remiss as of late. and with due cause, Amy could never be remiss enough not to notice that her Karma, right now, was distraught.

"Karma?"

"What? Stop." Karma faked a laugh. Amy was openly staring at her for the first time in forever. Karma's cheeks flushed and she tried to quell the anger in her chest, anger at herself. "I'm fine," she lied.

"You are not fine," Amy fought, pulling Karma's hand from her face since Karma was obviously trying to hide her expression from her.

"What is it?" Amy asked, pushing more.

"Nothing, okay, stop."

"You're keeping something from me Karma. You never do that." Amy got up curiously and walked around the table to be closer to her. Karma had turned to face the grass because tears had rushed her. She hated being found out. But lying to Amy was very hard for her, it always had been.

At first Amy thought it must be a crush or something, Karma had flushed. But when she moved around the curve of the table and noticed Karma's face and the way she was wiping at it almost angrily, her heart dropped in her chest. Karma was not okay. She was upset and crying and Amy had no idea why.

"Oh, sweetie," Amy said nervously. When Karma cried Amy always panicked. She'd feel her heart sink in her chest every time, no matter what Karma was crying about. It didn't matter what it was about. It did but it didn't. If Karma was crying Amy too felt broken.

Karma even heard the drop in Amy's voice, the instant acknowledgement and concern as Amy dropped to a squatting position before her and took her hands in her own.

"It's nothing. Really," Karma shook, loving the feel of Amy's hands on her own but hating herself at the same time for being so fucking stupid and so bad at lying to her friend.

In the distance a car horn sounded. They both knew what it meant.

"There's your girl," Karma said almost bitterly, though she was trying hard to be cheerful. It seemed she lived every day now hoping that Amy would have time for her.

"It can wait," Amy said. "I want you to talk to me." The horn sounded again. And then once more.

"Go," Karma pushed. "We can talk later." Later never seemed to come though. They never had enough time to say the things on their minds.

"Karma?!" Amy whined.

"Just go!" Karma said, standing and surprising Amy. When Amy stood too but still didn't budge Karma shoved past her and off towards the bathroom where she could be alone.

Reagan honked for the fourth time, a really long impatient honk. Amy turned painfully towards Reagan's car and tucked her hand in her pocket, grabbing her bag and walking away.

"What took you so long?" Reagan asked. She had parked and walked around to the passenger door so that she could better greet her excruciatingly slow girlfriend.

"Something's wrong with Karma," Amy said sadly, leaning into her girlfriend with her whole body and trapping her against the car.

"That's too bad, what happened?" Reagan asked curiously. She was curious, she really was, but right now Amy was practically on top of her so she couldn't help the semi-smile that brushed Amy's lips when she kissed them.

"No clue," Amy sighed. She knew she fucked up though. She'd been spending so much time with Reagan lately and completely ignoring her overly-sensitive other half.

"Well…" Reagan said, smoothly bringing a hand up to Amy's face and surveying it as she stroked her cheek with her thumb, missing that touch.

"I fucked up," Amy said, tears rushing her. "Look, I know you came all the way out here because I begged you to but…"

"You need to talk to your girl," Reagan sighed knowingly, her stomach twisting from both jealousy and fear.

"Do you hate me?"

"Never," Reagan smiled, kissing her again. "I mean, I feel a little used."

"Oh, no…" Amy said, hiding her smile as best as she could. "I mean… Is there anything I can do?" She was play acting now, fully aware that this was fuel for later.

"Maybe," Reagan feigned at being upset, she loved knowing that some time later their time together would be even more heated and charged because of this thing between them, this guilt Amy felt only part way but still.

"K, we'll have to work something out… I mean… I can't have you feeling this way… Not if I can help it."

"Well, we'll see," Reagan said. Truth was, Reagan was already happy for the turn of events. "Go on, go get 'er," Reagan said sweetly, pushing Amy off of her lovingly and watching as Amy walked backwards with an apologetic pouty face.

_**Thank you**_, Amy mouthed with praying hands. Reagan just winked at her and watched as she turned away.

In the bathroom Karma had been trying to stop crying. More than anything Karma wanted Amy not to know how much she was hurting now because of her. Karma knew it wasn't Amy's fault or even her own. Her feelings were always a mystery and a mess. They never made sense. She felt too much or too little or too up or too down. Nothing ever turned out as she planned and she was constantly planning, having dreams and expectations, wishes and goals and visions of everything turning out like they do in films she watched to try to see how normal families could ever be happy.

In the mirror, Karma watched herself pathetically trying to get it together. _Keep it together_, she thought. She wiped beneath her eyes to try and salvage her make-up.

"Karma?" A voice, Amy's voice.

"Shit." Karma tried to turn it into a whipser half-way through but she was too caught off guard to muffle it. Leaving her bag on the counter, she moved back into a stall so that she could hide her face.

"Karma? Are you in here?" Amy hurried in and saw the bag and sighed.

"I'm fine Amy, just sick."

"You're not sick," Amy said. She knew her friend and her friend was upset. Not sick. Upset. If Karma was sick Amy could get her soup and they could watch cheesy movies together and things would be fine.

Things weren't fine.

Karma was lying about something, keeping something from her.

"Did something happen with Liam?"

"No," Karma scoffed angrily. Ever since that secret came out Liam had all but disappeared from her mind. He didn't matter anymore, not to her. Sure, she used him for sex on occasion just to quiet her mind, but that was sex and nothing else. Any love she had for him was gone.

"Okay…" Karma could hear Amy, thinking, trying. "Did something happen with Zen?"

"Amy, nothing happened, okay? Please just stop asking," Karma was sitting on the edge of the toilet with her clothes on and still trying to fix the mess on her face with some toilet paper and her reflection in the small metal hanging trash bin.

"Karma, come on… Something's wrong. I can hear you sniffling."

"Yea well… I can't talk about it, okay."

"What are you talking about?!" Amy smirked in frustration. "You text me when you use the bathroom. When you talk to anyone, you call me right away to tell me exactly what was said to you. Last year during Christmas you couldn't even wait to tell me what you got me. You tell me everything: your blood type, your locker combination, every guy you've ever crushed on-"

"Amy, stop!" Karma spoke loudly and covered her ears. If there was one thing Karma didn't need to be reminded about it was how much their lives had been altered by the last messy year.

She knew it already. She knew it and she hated it. There was no way to go back, no way to change or fix a damn thing. All she wanted now was for things to be just her and Amy again, just the two of them and their creepy oversharing, the two of them and their closeness and overly affectionate way. If she could only have that back, everything else could be fine.

"Okay…" Amy said. Karma had been quiet for a while. Amy just stood outside her stall nervously without moving. "It's me then, right?" Amy asked sadly, placing a hand to the stall in defeat.

Karma didn't speak. The answer was yes but she couldn't bring her lips to form that simple word.

"Look, you don't have to answer okay… Let's just… Can we just go out? Go do something right now like we used to?" Amy missed her. And she worried.

The bell sounded, that signal to go back to class. If they left now it'd just seem normal. Principle Penelope only acted strange about students leaving during class because she was worried about emotional trauma and sensitive hearts.

Karma wanted to say no because it was dangerous now to spend time with her. But in her heart she wanted to be with Amy more than anything else in the world. She waited every day just to see her and hear her speak.

Amy heard Karma stand and move.

"Get my bag, please," Karma said softly. She unlocked her stall and let herself be seen. Amy hadn't moved. She just wanted to see her, to know she was going to be okay. "We better go quick." Karma picked her bag up in strength and offered Amy a hand.

Amy took it and smiled, following her friend out fo the school and into the parking lot.

They didn't speak the whole way and things were better because of it. Amy had gotten the message.

Karma knew that Amy had sent Reagan away just to watch her. She owed her this at the very least.

They got into Karma's car and Karma switched it on and began to silently drive. As her music played she did nothing as her eyes wept silently like they tended to do of late.

Amy watched her with worry in her face. She held Karma's hand in her lap and turned in her seat to better view her.

Karma felt her eyes finally, Amy's eyes. She loved those eyes on her and they hadn't been anywhere near recently, until now.

Amy raised a hand to Karma's hair and brushed it from her face so that she could better see her. Karma kept on watching the road and wanting to steal her away, just drive with her like that and forever.

At the stop light she let her eyes painfully close. It was like she hadn't even let herself feel it until right now. She hadn't let herself feel how painfully much she missed her.

Amy watched and noticed that heavy sadness. At some point she had begun to silently cry along too. It made everything worse that she didn't know what she had done or how she had hurt her. She just wanted to fix it, wanting Karma to never hurt. Never like this.

They didn't talk. They cried together. Karma drove and drove. The music played, filling them up inside even more.

Eventually Amy knew where Karma was going. Karma craved nature sometimes, actually needed it. As soon as they turned a certain corner away from the city, Amy knew right away that Kamra was driving towards the Mopac entrance of The Greenbelt, a place they honestly hadn't been together for months.

They would usually go when they just wanted to do something outside. Sometimes Karma would bring her guitar and go alone, though she rarely told Amy.

Since Reagan, Karma had had a lot of alone time. The beautiful reserve had become the perfect place to wallow. No one would look for her there. The sad thing though was that Karma knew more than anyone else that no one _was_ looking for her. She could go straight from school to the park, play for hours, walk, watch the people with families or cute dogs or lust-filled significant others hanging off of them dreamily. She could stay until the sun went down and no one would even call.

It'd happened a lot lately.

It happened too much.

No one knew she had been going.

No one even asked.

Karma thought of the guitar in her trunk. Her only true friend. A fine-crafted piece of wood handed down from her great grandmother on her father's side. Priceless in every way. With a personality all it's own. Karma took care of it like a pet. When it broke she got it fixed. When it sat too long in the case she'd take it out and just hold it.

Even Though she was driving she wished she was holding it now. It comforted her when her mind was stormy. Grounded her and kept her on the earth. She really needed that now.

_And then there was Amy…_ She thought, sighing aloud. The girl beside her. She needed her too.

Amy grounded her but she also helped her to sore, tethering her to earth with a trustworthy assurity. If Karma was a balloon, Amy was the only person holding onto her string. Her person who loved her too much to let her go but lived to watch her fly and guide her around obstacles and strong wind.

She thought about this all in her head and couldn't help but feel that Amy had left her tied to a chair sometime ago and now she was slowly deflating on the ground all alone and wishing she could fly alone without a string.

Another tear fell out of Karma's right eye and Amy saw.

Like clockwork, Amy reached up and lovingly wiped the tear away for Karma.

Whatever it was upsetting her friend, Amy knew that it was no passing phase. Karma only got upset like this about big things: devastating news, deaths, mistakes that could never be undone.

Amy watched her friend and prayed that it was fixable. What could possibly have gone so wrong between them? And for her not to notice? Amy couldn't think. She had no clues. How long had Karma been faking things? Karma was good at faking things. Amy just never thought Karma would dare fake anything with her. That just wouldn't be them but as time and distance kept reminding her, they were really really changing, growing further away.

She squeezed Karma's hand and laid her forehead on Karma's shoulder. Karma let out a small sigh, as if she had been holding her breath before Amy did what she had done.

Jessie Mueller's version of _Will You Love Me Tomorrow_, played sorrowfully all the while, filling up the car.

For the moment, Karma couldn't help but feel intensely grateful to not be alone, even if it was just for now.

She cried harder. Her tears taking over. It wasn't just that she had company. At least for now... She had her Amy.

The song kept playing, mirroring Carole King's version in every way. As Karma pulled quickly into the familiar dirt lot, she threw the car into park and turned into her friend, forcing Amy to hold her tight and wrap herself around her.

"I'm sorry," Amy cried, holding her. "Karma, I'm so sorry."

It didn't matter what she had done. Amy knew she had obviously failed her.

Karma lost all composure now, all desire to hide. She'd been hiding this too long anyway. It was yet another thing putting distance between her and Amy.

Before when her chin had begun to quiver and her hands had begun to shake she thought about running. Maybe if she could just park the car fast she'd have enough time to escape her, still manage to get away without explaining.

She knew though, all at once, there was no time to run. No way to explain without coming out with it.

As soon as she parked she crumbled. She couldn't think anymore, couldn't bare the thought of hurting Amy again by telling her the truth about her feelings.

Instead of running, talking, or explaining, Karma just decided to let herself fall apart.

**Part II**

She'd meant to go out into the woods with her. Have a normal day for once. Just be friends again like they used to be.

That is what she had meant by bringing them both out to the woods.

But what she meant and what she got? Those were two completely different things.

As the weepy music played on, Amy stroked Karma's hair and held her friend in her arms.

It had been a solid hour and they still hadn't left the car.

Karma breathed in the quiet and drank up the comfort. It'd have to end soon. She'd have to drive them back and leave Amy to be with her new girlfriend and her new life. It couldn't last. But it _was_ perfect.

Amy quietly wept and held her broken friend in her arms. She didn't dare speak a word or ask a question or try again to get the information she wasn't allowed to have about how she had hurt her best friend and crushed her so thoroughly that it broke her entirely and turned her into a mute.

"I can… Drive us back," Karma said weakly. She hadn't intended the mess, hadn't intended much at all than just to be.

"I wanna stay," Amy said. But she wouldn't say more. Not unless Karma asked.

Karma felt at Amy's arm with her hand, the smooth skin and muscles, she brushed her nose on it and breathed her in. She smelt different but still like Amy.

"Did you just smell me?"

"Maybe," Karma said, not even chuckling because Amy didn't even understand how much she was missed, how grotesquely much she was wanted and not had by one Karma Ashcroft who only loved her more than life now that she had been gone from her so completely.

Karma hugged Amy tighter.

"Maybe we should get in the back seat," Amy said.

"Okay," Karma agreed. It was awkward trying to hug over the armrest and the controls. In the back there'd be nothing between them. Karma couldn't move though, she wanted to be held so much by her that she couldn't move.

Amy pushed softly and sent Karma back to sit up. She opened her door and stepped out, switching from the front seat to the back and smiling softly when Karma actually joined her.

It was cute, them together again. This was like before, like they used to be. They did things like this all the time. When one of them was sad, they'd always end up tangled and warm, together and safe.

"Come 'ere," Amy said, she'd laid on her side against the back seat so that KArma could lay in front of her and she could hold her and be her big spoon.

Nervously, Karma crawled inside and laid down. Amy pulled her back into her and held her in tight, smelling her hair.

"I miss this," Amy said. But she meant to say, _I miss you_. Somewhere from thought to actual verbal sentence the message got scrambled and another _miss_ came right out.

"I miss _you_," Karma said, feeling the warmth spread through her and the butterflies swim inside of her stomach. It'd been so long since they'd even hugged, let alone held one another.

Amy still didn't know why Karma was crying. But she knew Karma was letting her hold her and that was good.

Karma laid her head down on her hands and let herself be calm with Amy and just feel the things she'd been longing to feel. She closed her eyes and savored every second.

In her dreams she'd prefer that Amy was kissing her. But this was good. This was really really good.

"What are you thinking?" Amy asked.

"Just, about you," Karma said truthfully. Then she hummed a little dreamy tune with the song in the speakers. Amy watched and saw the serene smile on Karma's face. The way Karma seemed to be calmly resting and maybe now enjoying their time. She pulled Karma's hair back so that she could more easily see that smile she needed.

"What about me?" Amy asked, pushing the thing she knew she wasn't supposed to push. She propped her head up on her hand and kept on holding Karma. It was so odd the way the afternoon had gone but she did love to watch her and she did miss her, terribly, much too much.

"You always know what I need," Karma said.

"Not really," Amy scoffed with a smile.

Karma opened her eyes and pushed away to lay down on her back and stare up at her friend.

"You do," Karma insisted, pulling Amy's wrist into her hand and letting Amy touch her face again.

She didn't want to bring it up but, ever since the truth had come out, Amy had been avoiding touch with Karma as much as humanly possible. Karma knew that it probably wasn't her fault and that it wasn't because Amy didn't want to touch her but the stark opposite. But still, the irrational side of Karma kept on insisting on saying things to her in secret like: _she doesn't need you now_ or _she doesn't want you, she can't even touch you_.

Karma's inner thoughts were always unkind to her. Amy saw as her friend's smile faltered.

Karma tried to roll back onto her side so she could hide her face but Amy stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

"Please talk to me," she asked.

"It'll only make things worse," Karma said, staring up at Amy and knowing that she wanted to kiss her.

"So things are bad now?" Amy asked confused.

"Oh…" Karma sighed, wanting to disappear again. She let her eyes close and felt Amy's hand wipe away another stray tear.

"You're unhappy…" Amy noted.

"I've been unhappy, Amy," Karma said, pulling at her wrist again and letting herself hold onto Amy's hand while she kept her eyes shut tight and tried real hard to keep the conversation just where it was.

"It's because of Liam, what I-"

"No," Karma said, stopping her. She opened her eyes and looked up at her friend, smiling softly. It wasn't Amy's fault that she couldn't tell. Amy was usually so good at reading her but things had just changed. "I told you, it's not that," Karma smiled. She let her other hand slide up to touch at Amy's neck.

Amy let her face slide into the touch. She closed her eyes too, feeling at once that wanting in her, the wanting she tried to keep away.

"Shit," Karma said, watching her. Amy held at Karma's hand and moved her lips to Karma's palm so that she could kiss it.

Karma felt her breathing slow and then speed.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Amy said, still unaware.

"I know," Karma said. "It's not something you did or I did… It's just… It's something okay?"

"So… What do we do?" Amy asked, insinuating that there still even was a _we_ between the two of them. If there had been a _we, _it had all but disappeared when Reagan showed up. At least that's how Karma felt.

She didn't know Amy anymore. Amy was a ghost to her. A lovely person who drifted in and out of her life only allowing herself to stay briefly and speak lightly before traveling on.

"We…" Karma sighed, taking her hands back from Amy and turning around again to lay on her side and tuck her hands beneath her head. She wanted to cry now more than ever. "Maybe we should just go home," Karma said. She knew if she took Amy back, Amy would leave her. She didn't want that at all but it was a better option than telling Amy what she had been feeling for weeks.

Sensing the shift, Amy used her arms to pull Karma into her. She didn't' want to go home. She didn't want Karma to succeed in getting rid of her.

"Whatever this is… You're going to tell me eventually."

"I'd rather not," Karma said, hating that Amy was right but loving that Amy was holding her.

"I was planning to surprise you for Christmas, ya know?"

"Yeah?" Karma asked, hopefully. It seemed that Amy didn't think of her at all anymore. Sure, Amy would give her a gift every now and then, something she could touch and hold while without her, like that journal from the street fair. Karma would much rather spend time with Amy though than get some gift and she thought Amy knew that but she obviously didn't.

"I got us a cabin for Christmas weekend, planned everything. After everything that happened this year, I wanted to at least give you a white christmas…."

"Amy... Really?"

"Yeah," Amy sniffled, feeling frustrated. Karma turned again to face her and hold Amy's face between her hands. "I miss you, ya know? We never hangout anymore… You're my life, Karma." She didn't like looking at her because every time she did it reminded her of how much in love with her she was.

"I miss you too," Karma said, knowing that she already said that bit.

She searched Amy's eyes and saw how confused she was, how sad now. Amy was so happy at lunch. Amy was so happy with Reagan. Was it all an act or did Karma really just ruin her and make her life into shit?

Amy noticed Karma staring and she smiled, redness flushing her cheeks.

Karma felt that ridiculous thing in her, that urge to kiss Amy. She felt it as she watched her, staring at her lips and eyes and feeling Amy's cheek with her thumb.

"What?" Amy asked, shrugging Karma off just a little.

"I love you," Karma said. But she didn't mean it like she had always meant it before.

"I know," Amy shrugged, wiping her tears away on her hand. Karma loved her but not enough.

"No," Karma said shakily, still trying to get Amy to look at her, still trying to hold her face or just move it enough so that Amy would see that when she said this now she meant it like Amy had meant it. "Amy…" She said, knowing that she'd have to ask her to see her.

"What?" Amy asked, finally seeing her, wanting to crumble now since there was no helping anything and only ever this broken thing between them.

Karma leaned in slow and Amy took a quick breath, unsure of the situation. It was almost like Karma was about to kiss her but why would she ever do a thing like that?

Karma was about to kiss her though, she was.

When their lips touched Karma kissed her differently than she ever had before. Before it was just play, trying to be convincing, trying to make it seem real. It'd been a long time since they'd last kissed but even back then it was like Karma was being gentle and soft, careful and calculated. There was more going on then in her head than in her body. Things were different now. No one was watching and Karma was feeling every little bit of this kiss.

This kiss wasn't like back then. Amy fell instantly into it. The kiss felt like home. It was like coming home to a place she'd tried to forget because she wanted it too much and needed it too much.

Once her mind began to comprehend what was happening though, the kiss reminded Amy of the threesome and of herself. She'd been so set on kissing Karma back then, on showing her how she felt and what she meant to her. This kiss was like that only Amy wasn't the one who was trying to prove something anymore. This wasn't Amy's moment to shine or Amy's moment to woo her friend and take her by fire.

Karma was kissing her because Karma wanted her, fuck, maybe even needed her.

And then there was that realization in her. Amy realized that without thinking, she'd been kissing Karma back the whole time.

"Whoa," Amy said, waking up to herself and her position. They were in a car. Two friends in a car.

This wasn't Reagan. This was Karma.

Karma Ashcroft was actually kissing her. And this wasn't a game.

In a bit of panic, Amy pushed Karma away from her quickly by a hand at her chest. "What are you doing?" This wasn't like before. They weren't faking a relationship or playing at something they didn't understand.

"I just… I wanted to-" Karma panicked too though she kept it inside. She knew what she was doing was wrong. But she also knew that Amy was right about everything. Her secret would eventually come out. A weekend in a cabin wasn't going to make things better, it would make things worse.

"You wanted to kiss me?" Amy scoffed, almost angry and shocked.

"Yeah," Karma sighed. It was the only way to tell her without having to say it.

"Karma…" Amy wiggled and Karma moved so that Amy could sit up. When Amy did sit up Kamra held Amy's hands in her lap and waited for the mess that was about to unfold. "You… You know I'm with Reagan," Amy said sadly, tears rushing her along with the comprehension. This was the problem. This was why Karma was sad.

"I'm sorry," Karma said. "I know it was wrong and you didn't- It was me," Karma reminded, defending Amy which actually hurt Amy more. She moved Amy's face up and watched as Amy's chin quivered and she turned her face away from her.

Amy did though, she realized that now, she did kiss Karma back. Amy thought about it, about how fucked up that was. With Karma, she hadn't even thought, she'd just acted. And now she'd have to tell Reagan. She'd have to live with it herself and tell Reagan that Karma kissed her and she kissed back.

"Fuck!" Amy screamed, kicking the seat in front of her and throwing her hands up to hold at her head.

Every thing with Karma was so fucked up. It's like they either both had to be single or they both had to be together and there would be NO in-between.

Karma stayed silent, backed away, and just waited. She hadn't asked for any of this and she knew she'd done it all wrong. She just wanted it so much, to taste her just then.

Amy cried and got out of the car, shutting Karma back in all alone.

Karma watched as Amy paced outside.

Amy pulled the phone from her pocket and dialed Reagan right away.

"Hey sweetie," Reagan answered. She'd been waiting for her call, hoping on it because of earlier.

"Can you come get me?" Amy cried. "Please?"

"Yeah, of course," Reagan said. "Amy, what's wrong?"

"I fucked up," Amy cried, feeling the tears of rage that stung at her wildly. Fucking up was an understatement. Reagan only ever had one fear with Amy and it was a fear that she'd stray.

Karma let herself lay back down on the seat and cry. At least now Amy would know and Karma wouldn't have to feel like such a liar. She cried onto her arm and hoped that Amy would leave without trying to talk to her again. Distance now would be good.

"Get out," Amy said, pulling the door open and yelling at her. "Get out here, I'm not doing this alone." She'd already ended her call. Reagan was trying to call back but Amy ignored it feeling frustrated.

"Amy, I'm sorry," Karma said. She allowed Amy to pull at her and yank her up.

"She's coming here and you're going to tell her what you did."

"Amy…" Karma stood, barely. All she could feel was the heavy weight of her actions.

She could do this though. Amy was right. She could at least tell Reagan that it was her fault and not Amy's.

"What the fuck were you thinking Karma?!"

"I-I-I-"

"No. Just stop. Don't fucking talk to me," Amy said, her anger getting the best of her. Karma let her body lean back against the car.

"I couldn't tell you," she said, taking a step towards Amy.

"Shut up!" Amy said, pushing her friend back into the car and watching her hit it and start to cry more. Amy rarely abused her like this. She lost her temper but never pushed. "You know what, fine, tell me then," Amy said, confronting her. "How long?"

"What?" Karma felt a panic.

"How long exactly has it been that you've wanted to kiss me."

"Amy, don't," Karma said. It was the wrong time to be having this talk. Amy was obviously angry.

"How long?!" Amy yelled, her eyes shutting tight in her frustration.

"Weeks… Months…" Karma breathed out trying to be calm.

"Two months? Three?" Amy scoffed. She couldn't help it. She shook her head. "You couldn't take it, Karma," Amy scoffed knowingly.

"What?"

"You couldn't take that I was happy with someone else."

"No, Amy… It's not like tha-"

"IT IS LIKE THAT!" Amy yelled, scaring her a little.

"It's really not," Karma said, more angry now than hurt. This had nothing to do with Karma being alone. Karma would be fine alone if she wasn't constantly thinking about Amy. "You won't believe me though, will you," she asked. "You won't believe that I've been thinking about kissing you for weeks, hell, even dreaming about it…"

"Stop," Amy said, pushing Karma's hand off of her and turning away from her to stare at the road where Reagan would soon appear. All the words coming out of Karma were words that Amy longed for just 3 months ago. If this had happened just three months sooner none of this would be fucked up and no one would be hurt right now.

Amy stared at the empty space where Reagan would soon be. She stared at it and tried to will her angry thoughts about Karma away.

"I get it… I fucked up. This is fucked up. I get that."

"Why the fuck you do it then, Karma?!" Amy wanted to scream.

"You were right," Karma shrugged with pathetic tears in her eyes. "I was going to tell you eventually. This was going to come out sooner or later... " She shrugged.

"So, at the dinner… Were you?"

"No, no… I mean, that was the start, obviously," Karma shrugged all beaten. "I didn't know it then."

"But after?"

"Yup… Right after. Like a freight train," Karma breathed long and slow in a way that just expressed the pain she was feeling without words being necessary.

"Great," Amy pretended to smile. She ended up looking like a lunatic but Karma knew it was all her fault so it didn't hurt as much as it should. "So what now, Karma?! I should just leave Reagan and be with you?"

"No!" Karma scoffed, reaching to hold her hand but stopping herself. That wasn't even a thing she was thinking. "You should be happy. You should be with Reagan if you want to be with Reagan. That's not what this is."

"Karma?! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Amy wanted to throw her, instead she just squeezed her hands before Karma's face and shook a bit in her anger, wishing to understand things maybe just this once.

"I told you.. I didn't want to tell you…"

"Telling me this? That's a lot different than what you just did, and you know that, Karma."

"Fuck, I wanted you, okay?!" Karma threw her hands up, sick of the mess. "I wanted you! I wanted to kiss you! I wanted you to hold me again and touch me like you use to. I wanted to feel like you were actually in my life instead of this person who I fell in love with who just fucking left me."

"That is NOT what I did!" Amy accused in her anger.

"And I know it's not! But, is that what you want me to say Amy because this isn't fucking easy for me! None of this has been easy!"

"You know what," Amy said, her voice shaky and face bitter. "Just go, Karma."

"It was me!" Karma said. "I will- I'll tell her. I'll tell her it was me and it'll be fine, she hates me anyway, everyone hates me."

"It just…" Amy was going to say something fucked up but she stopped herself. "It doesn't fucking matter, okay? Just get in your car and leave me alone."

Karma stared back at her, scared for her life. What if this was the last time she spoke to her? What if this was really the end?

"At least when you told me I didn't treat you like this," Karma said. "I didn't even really care that you slept with him, ya know? I had to think about that.. That meant something huge, I just didn't… I didn't understand it."

"Karma."

"I'm all alone Amy. I've been all alone." It was no defense but Karma needed Amy to hear it. Amy knew she'd been leaving her. Amy was fully aware of how little time she was spending with her former best friend.

"Karma…." Amy said, the sadness winning out. "Please… For now… Just go," she shook her head. There weren't words. She couldn't explain what she was feeling or why she was SO angry or what she wanted to say or do or be.

Shaken, but willing to follow, Karma walked backwards to the car and got in. She watched Amy for a second and saw her squat down on the dirt and cry into her hands now that she had a moment alone.

She'd broken her again. That's all she did to Amy now. She could only ever break her apart.

"I don't deserve to live," Karma mumbled to herself. She flipped the mirror down and wiped her eyes. Her makeup was a mess and she just wanted to disappear. But she had to leave or Amy would hate her. She had to at least move her face somewhere else and let Amy and Reagan have their time together all alone, again. She had to fully remove herself now. Completely detach.

Amy heard the sound of Karma's car starting up and shifting into gear. She heard the break give and she listened to the crunch of the tires on the dirt as Karma backed out carefully and hovered a moment, shifting gears and staring out at her with pain plain as day on her face.

_**I'm sorry**_, Amy mouthed pitifully, looking straight into Karma's eyes and knowing she shouldn't have reacted so fucking horribly. It was all feelings. Karma had feelings and she couldn't control them any more than Amy could control hers. _**I'm sorry**_, she shook her head, conveying her frustration at herself in a way that Karma could read all the way from space should she need to.

Karma gave her an understanding yet apologetic nod before mouthing: _**It's okay**_, and turning to face the road, finally giving Amy what it was that she had asked for. She drove herself away and felt completely responsible for breaking Amy yet again, fucking everything up. If she could do one thing, Karma would wish away all of her feelings and become a stoic type of person who couldn't be ruled by feelings any more. She was probably the only person who could prosper from something like that. Most people wished they could feel and care more. Not Karma. Karma needed it all to go away.

She couldn't do that though. She couldn't possibly find a way to not feel everything 200% of the time.

As she drove away she thought about that kiss. The worst part of all, it had been better than she had ever even dreamed. All those kisses before? They paled in comparison, it was laughable how simple they were, how mechanical and just sad. That kiss had been… It was everything to her.

She parked alone in a lot near by, when she became unable to see through her own falling tears. Breaking down, she cried a long time before switching seats and laying in the back again to just remember it all, play it over and over in her mind and smell the scent of Amy still on her skin and in her car and on that seat. That was the most she had seen of her friend all month. And it was the first time they'd really been alone for more than five minutes.

Playing it over in her mind, Karma realized something she needed to see. Just now she had done everything wrong but it was all for a brief fleeting moment of right. Nothing could change that or take it back. No matter what happened now she'd know she wasn't crazy. She wanted Amy even more than she ever thought she could or would. It wasn't a dream or a trick of a problem with jealousy. Karma loved her. She was in love.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Welcome To: No Amount of Stoned Makes You Feel Okay**

**Part I**

Reagan pulled up just minutes after Karma had left. A family of four came back to their car and noticed Amy crying on the ground.

"Are you okay?" The father had asked. Amy just shook her head _**yes**_ and told them not to worry about it. She had to pretend to be strong just long enough for them to drive away.

When they vanished she broke down again and sat down on the dirt where Karma's car had just been.

Reagan pulled up and noticed the mess of Amy on the ground. She was already panicking about that call. Amy refused to explain or stay on the phone and she was in tears. Plus, she was out in the woods and she had been off with Karma for hours.

Reagan parked and got out quick. She ran to Amy and touched her back careful, holding her instantly.

"What's wrong? Where's Karma?"

This had the makings of a tragedy. Amy was crying on the ground, alone, in the dirt.

"I made her leave," Amy cried. She couldn't look at Reagan. How was she supposed to tell her?

"Are you okay?"

Instead of speaking, Amy just shook her head, **no** and made an odd sound that resembled a cry and a sob at the very same time. Reagan was holding her, trying to stop her from shaking.

"Amy, you're scaring me," Reagan said. She was holding her, hugging her but Amy still hadn't moved from the dirt. And she was, she was shaking.

"I'm sorry," Amy said, crying but trying hard not to. She didn't know how to do what she was going to do.

Strong and silent, Reagan just held her. She exhaled a frustrated sigh and relaxed into holding Amy, being there, the one that she needed.

It was hard to explain their relationship now. If anyone asked either of them they'd simply say they were going out. But there was something between them that felt so ridiculously supportive. They had both been through such turmoil before finding each other at Liam's mansion and then again at the underground rave. They were like victims slowly trying to heal one another and become whole again.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Reagan whispered sweetly, holding onto her girl and unaware that she was breaking her even more with those lovely words.

"Reagan," Amy squeaked. She couldn't keep it from her, not for one second longer than she needed to.

"Hmm?" Reagan asked dreamily.

"Karma kissed me just now."

"What?" There was a tenseness then. Amy felt the arm around her neck and shoulders tense. She felt the reaction.

It was probably the last thing Reagan had expected. The last problem that could possibly be.

"You're kidding?" Reagan said shortly.

"Uh-uh," Amy said, holding onto Reagan's arm and hoping she could keep her. And just as she was hoping, Reagan slid her arm out from under Amy's neck, pulling it away from her shoulders and standing up behind her.

"What do you mean, Karma kissed you?" Reagan asked, almost accusatorily.

The relationship between Karma and Amy was such an ugly mess. Every time Reagan caught a glimpse of it, it scared her, but never enough to make her worry about Amy leaving her for Karma. Karma and Amy were soul mates, they didn't need sex. At least…. That's what Reagan had thought… Until now.

Until now, for Reagan, boys had been the trouble. Boys who stole her girls. And girls who could be stolen by boys. Reagan feared about Liam. She feared about Amy dropping her for some dude. But Karma?! KARMA?!

"She was crying and I didn't know why and… We were just… We just…"

"We?!" Reagan's eyes stung as bitter tears invaded them. She hated feeling weak. Even worse, she hated feeling like a fool.

"No, no- I didn't. I didn't know-" Amy tried.

"You didn't know?! You've known all along Amy!" Suddenly it all made sense. Reagan held at her head and paced away from Amy who was now so fucking worried about her.

Amy stood up and tried to touch Reagan and ground her, tried to just calm her like she had done in their beginnings. It used to be that if Reagan was overreacting about something simple, something she didn't understand, Amy could just touch her and talk her down, calm her down.

But the problem with this was, Reagan did understand now. Maybe she hadn't known much before but she'd been around Karma and Amy long enough to know that these two owned each other, these two were connected in a way that she and Amy could never ever be.

That information hurt and it informed her understanding.

"God! I'm so fucking stupid!" Reagan spat. _Again?!_ It was happening again.

"No!" Amy reached for her but Reagan shook her off.

"Was this fun for you two?! Was this all fun?!"

"Reagan," Amy cried. "I didn't know it would happen, I didn't know-"

"Does that even matter, Amy?!" There was a flash of violence in Reagan's eyes and Amy caught it, it sobered her briefly.

"She kissed me and I stopped it."

"Yeah, but you're still in love with her, right?" Reagan asked, stepping forward and pushing her. "You still want her." They never talked about it but Reagan knew because Amy was still avoiding Karma as much as she possibly could. Amy needed to not be near her to even function as a person by herself.

"I want you," Amy said, falling back as Reagan pushed her.

When Reagan pushed she'd step back close to her again. She wanted Reagan to hit her and yell. She wanted Reagan to do anything but leave.

"Fine," Reagan said, wanting to believe with all of her heart. "Just tell me one thing though," she'd got up close to her and for once Amy tried not to move. "While it was happening? When Karma was kissing you," Reagan wanted to scream. "Did you like it?" She asked.

There was a long painful moment in which Reagan could see the answer and subsequent anger spread across Amy's face like paint clear as day. There was agony there. Nothing but agony. "That's not fair," Amy said, realizing now that she and Reagan were far from strangers, they were deep now, too deep. Those words were intended to be hurtful. Even though Amy had been avoiding Karma constantly, Reagan still knew that Amy's feelings would never go away.

"Fuck!" Reagan screamed, pushing Amy back again. She hated that she was being cruel.

Amy broke down into sobs and returned to squat on the ground. There was no way to talk herself out of it. No way to fix the broken that had just occurred.

_If Karma hadn't. If Karma hadn't. If Karma hadn't._

Amy's voice screamed inside of her head.

And all for what?!

Reagan walked back to her car and got in. She started it up and that caused Amy to panic and get up, run towards it and pound on the door.

Reagan backed out and Amy ran with the car, slamming her palm on the window.

Reagan looked up at her broken. She had tears in her eyes but she also had the strength of a person who had already been burned like this before. She didn't want to look at Amy because she knew that even though this happened it wasn't even Amy's fault.

"Let go, Amy." Reagan said loudly without seeing her. "Let go or I'll do it." It was taking every ounce of her not to just speed away with Amy's hand clutching hard to the handle. She'd drag her. She wanted to but only in theory.

Weeping and lost, Amy stared at her sadly, terrified that this would be the last they'd ever see of each other.

"I love you," Amy whined. If Reagan had heard she pretended not to.

Amy let go of the door and Reagan switched into drive and sped-off into the sunset. Feeling anger most and sadness least.

Amy crumbled back down to the ground and wept. She was so done she let her hands fall into the dirt and she had to watch her own tears as they puddled strangely on the dry ground with dirt attaching to them and making fighting to make them disappear into nothing like they could never even matter to anyone at all.

**Part II**

"Amy?" Lauren rushed out of the car to see her broken step-sister all wet and messy in the dirt. She had dirt all over her jeans and dirt on her elbows and it looked like she had been crying there in the dark for over two hours. "Holy shit, Amy, what the hell is going on?!"

Lauren rushed to her and helped her to stand. Amy didn't know what to say so she simply shrugged and let Lauren see her. Lauren looked at her face and knew.

"Karma?"

"Karma," Amy said.

"Great…" Lauren exhaled, taking care to hold Amy's soft dirty hand and wipe the dirt off of Amy's face, the dirt she had smudged there on accident without knowing. "And here I was just thinking, it's been a long time since that friend of yours dropped a dookie on your life."

Amy smirked but she couldn't laugh, not really. As much as she hated to admit it, she had been thinking the exact same thing over the weekend and feeling like if it were to happen it would all be her own damn fault for pushing Karma away instead of dealing with everything like a normal caring person. She blacked her out. She couldn't let herself feel as much as she was feeling. And look what it did. Karma absorbed all of it and projected it back at her. It was such a mess. They were such a goddamn mess.

"Come on," Lauren said. "Let's get you home."

Amy nodded lethargically and followed Lauren back to the car. Just getting up into the seat felt exhausting. This was her life. She'd fucked up her life again.

"So, what'd she do? Drive you out to the woods and then ditch you? Cause, I mean, that's not all that bad."

"It wasn't like that," Amy said, not really thinking. If she could she'd just not talk at all but Lauren had been so kind to her ever since the wedding. Lauren was a true friend.

"Okay…" Lauren mused. "So what was it like then?" She peered over at Amy and made her see her.

"Do you really want to know?"

"Of course," Lauren said.

"Well… She cried a lot," Amy said, thinking back on it. "And then she kissed me."

"Oh boy." Lauren said shortly, turning from Amy to stare out at the woods. She used a hand to pat at Amy's leg. "It'll be okay. We'll get through this," Lauren said.

Amy knew she was just being nice and it did help just a little to know that even if Reagan hated her Lauren would still be her friend.

Lauren started up the car and drove them both home. After what had been said the wheels in her own head were turning. There was something so off about Karma at that dinner months ago. The more she thought about it the more she knew that Karma must've been feeling her attraction for Amy even then.

Lauren was more intuitive than most. She caught the signs that no one else ever seemed to catch.

She was sorry but apologizing wouldn't fix it. Plus, she hadn't done anything herself. This was all Karma and Amy. Amy and Karma.

_Poor Reagan…_ Lauren thought.

When they got home Amy was surprised to open her door and see that her room was empty. Usually, when they fought, Karma would beat her home and wait for her, ready to pounce and fix all the broken pieces of the life she had shattered.

Amy was glad she wasn't there but she was also unsure of how to go about fixing any of the things that were broken.

Instead of thinking, she plopped down on her bed and hugged herself to her pillow. Now that she was alone, she could cry, and she did.

She sobbed so violently that even Farrah heard and shot Lauren an painful stare. Lauren sighed and shot her a nod. She walked off down the hall to comfort her sensitive sister who always seemed to be hurting.

Instead of knocking, Lauren went right in.

Instead of asking, she kicked her shoes off and curled up behind Amy to hold her.

"Shhhhh," Lauren soothed. "Shhhh, it's okay. You're okay…" She hugged her tight and touched her softly until Amy became too exhausted and fell asleep in her arms.

**Part III**

As for Karma? She had no one to call. Plus, a heavy burden seemed to be trapping her. She was sitting in that parking lot still, laying on that seat even though the sun had long since gone down.

What could she do? She needed to do something.

Every time she tried to help Amy she made things worse. But she wondered if this time could maybe be different.

It was true, none of this had been Amy's fault. Amy tried to break her and Liam up numerous times but Karma couldn't even be bothered by that because Amy always was more important.

But then again, Amy had the strength to let Karma go when she asked. And though Karma tried, letting Amy go had been the hardest thing she ever attempted to do. Even now she knew she hadn't.

Looking at them both though the only thing different between the two was that Amy tried to move on with someone else and Karma tried to move on all alone. She was sick of messing up other people's lives and still somehow she had managed to do that again.

She sat up in the seat and grabbed for her phone. Thinking on it hard she decided she at least had to try.

**Part IV**

When her phone rang she was hoping it'd be Amy. Yeah, she wasn't ready to talk but at least the thought would mean something to her and make her feel a little bit better. The worst thing now was silence but Reagan knew it wasn't her job to chase after Amy. Amy was the one who had fucked up.

"Shit," Reagan breathed.

"What is it?"

"It's her friend."

"The one who kissed her?"

"_The_ one," Reagan bit.

"Oh Rae, don't," her younger sister tried to discourage her.

"Karma," Reagan said. The way Reagan said her name was the way Karma was used to hearing it. Disappointment. Disappointment. Disappointment.

"Can we talk?" Karma asked.

"Umm, we are," Reagan said shortly. She squinted her eyes and stared at her sister, conveying her annoyance in a way that Karma couldn't possibly see.

But Karma felt it and she knew she deserved it.

"Can I see you?"

"Sure," Reagan decided. She was never one to back down or say no. Karma was a silly confused girl and High School was drama but Reagan knew that Karma was the type of girl who didn't know how to stop herself or explain herself and Reagan suddenly felt the need to hear her out. Plus, Reagan wanted to know more than ever if what Amy said had been the whole truth.

It wasn't like Amy to lie to her but if Amy was going to lie, she'd lie about this.

"Fuck," Reagan said, two minutes later, once she ended the call. There was so much dead space in that call. So many words that should've or could've been said.

"What?"

"I'm gonna see 'er," Reagan said.

"Who?" Her sister asked.

"Karma..." Reagan sighed. She knew it was a bad idea but she needed to see it through.

"Rae…"

"I'll be back," Reagan said, pushing past her worried sister and back out towards her car. She hadn't even been home long enough to explain the whole thing. There was food on the stove and she was hungry so she got distracted. All her sister knew was that Amy kissed someone who wasn't Reagan. And Amy really didn't seem the type to cheat. From where Reagan's sister stood, Amy was head-over-heels for Rae.

**Part V**

The coffee shop was semi-noisy like it usually was. Austen had so many coffee shops but Reagan and Karma had both been to this one before so Karma knew it would be the easiest place to suggest.

She sat down by the window and when her drinks came she felt nervous.

Impatiently she dug her phone out and checked the time of her call. It had only been 15 minutes. That wasn't bad.

She flipped open her text messages and hovered over Amy's last one.

Amy: _I look like hell…_

That was the last thing Amy had texted and that was from the morning before any of the hell had actually begun.

Karma hovered in the message box, wanting to type. She wanted to type, _I miss you_. She wanted to type, _I love you_. She wanted to type, _I'm sorry, forget about me please_.

She wanted to type so many depressing things.

She closed the box and tucked her phone away. She did what she needed to, now it was Amy's turn to respond.

Looking out the window Karma saw as Reagan pulled up and hoped out of her truck. She walked with such purpose and such strength. Karma stiffened, sitting up straight for no particular reason other than she wanted to look good and be good and fix things that she had ruined if only just briefly.

"Okay, I'm here," Reagan said, standing before KArma strong in her leather jacket and her face of stone.

"Sit?" Karma begged. "Please," they needed much more than two words. They needed to see each other eye to eye and try and place themselves in the other person's shoes.

"Fine," Reagan said, rolling her eyes.

"I got you vanilla," Karma said. She knew it was Reagan's favorite. She remembered little things like that. Amy messed it up a lot so Karma would remind her via text.

Amy: Shit… I can't remember what Reagan likes.

Karma: Vanilla. Always vanilla.

It was so simple but Amy always forgot. It was cute though because she always felt bad about forgetting. It wasn't her fault, it's just how she was.

"Thanks," Reagan shrugged, feeling weird about thakning her given the circumstances. "So, why am I here."

"I wanted to apologize," Karma said, reaching a hand out and stopping. She was going to rest her hand on Reagan's but she decided against it. "I just wanted you to know that Amy didn't do anything, it was all me."

"Yeah well, Amy already said that much."

"Yeah, but… I know how it seems."

"It seems like you made a move on my girlfriend," Reagan said territorially. There was a brief flashback in both of their minds, that dinner where Karma accused Reagan of being territorial. Reagan had all the right now. Reagan was Amy's girlfriend.

"I'm sorry Reagan, I'm really sorry," they were words. Words could be cheap.

"Yeah," Reagan swallowed her bitterness down. "Well, I know how much you love each other," it wasn't like something anyone around the two of them could ignore. It was obvious. There was something different about them. They were so connected, so in love.

Reagan bit down her thoughts. She didn't want to think about Amy being in love with Karma. She never wanted to think about it but it always was right there. It was never a secret.

Amy didn't lie to her. She didn't lie.

And that's what made Reagan feel safe. But hearing the truth now? Feeling the truth?

I mean, maybe Amy wanted to move on but how could she move on if there was still love when she left? Reagan felt a panic in her chest and she wished she could find peace in this situation that had no place for peace.

"She tried to get over you," Reagan said, relaxing. She took a sip of her vanilla latte and hated that it was good.

"We're family," Karma shrugged, feeling idiotic and assholish and basically like the scum of the earth.

"Why'd you do it Karma?" Reagan asked. It was the only question she really had. "Do you really love her or were you just sad."

"I really. Really. Love her." Karma said, closing her eyes and showing that it was true without needing to speak. Reagan knew. Reagan knew all along.

Reagan just thought, delusionally that maybe these two were passing ships, poor timing, too messy to succeed.

"Okay," Reagan said, knowing that at the very least Amy had two girl will to love her to the moon and back. "So what now?" Reagan asked.

"Now?" Karma shrugged and sighed. She looked around at all the people laughing and talking, flirting and being happy. Maybe happiness just wasn't something for her.

"Karma?" Reagan wanted to leave. She just wanted to leave. Whenever she talked to Karma it was like sobering up to the realization that Karma wasn't a villain or an enemy or a person who should be hated. Karma was a girl, a sad girl. A girl who wanted happiness just like everyone else.

"I just… I wanted her to know and I couldn't say it," Karma squeaked, her chin quivering.

_Fuck_, Reagan thought in her head. Her one weakness was girls that cry. She was already feeling bad for her. Now this?

Reagan leaned forward and held at Karma's hand.

"I get it," she said. But it didn't change anything. Reagan understood but it didn't fix anything it just made it all more complicated.

"No one gets it," Karma said, ready to crumble. "Even Amy didn't know," Karma said.

"What do you mean?" Reagan wanted to understand.

"She didn't know I'd been feeling this way for months and trying to push it down…" Karma sat up strong, trying to stop herself from being SO emotional.

"Well, she was trying to give you your life."

"What life?!" Karma scoffed. "When has Amy ever _NOT_ been my life?!"

It was too much.

"Shit," Karma said, realizing she was unloading onto the last person she should be unloading on. "I'm sorry," she squeezed Reagan's hand again and smiled painfully through her tears. "I just, I needed her to know. I couldn't lie to her anymore."

"Lying…" Reagan said, realizing all along what the problem had been. Karma had been lying to Amy. Hiding from her.

Karma exhaled, a weight lifted. She was still somehow back in that car whenever she could be. That small moment from before that seemed to be able to teleport her into a heaven-like dreamland every chance she could afford it to.

"Amy loves you," Karma said. "She didn't know I was going to kiss her and she stopped me. She was really pissed."

"Okay," Reagan said, feeling better, a little better, and yet worse. She was starting to wonder if she could even date Amy knowing what she knew now about Karma and how Karma felt. I mean, she already knew that Amy had been in love with the girl when they met, so in love that Amy had to completely rip Karma from her life just to be a little bit happy.

"I just.. I wanted to make sure you knew. Sometimes Amy holds important things in because she doesn't know how important they are."

Reagan laughed at that. Karma seemed to do the exact same thing.

"Thanks," Reagan said, covering up her judgment with her kindness. At least now they'd be able to talk about it.

"You don't have to stay," Karma said, sadly.

"I'll stay," Reagan said, moving over to her side and sitting next to her.

"I really am sorry, I didn't mean-"

"I know," Reagan sighed. She was always reminding herself that Karma and Amy were younger and new. Love was new. Feelings were new.

Karma deserved kindness. Reagan could see she was hurting too. Reagan moved her arm behind Karma's shoulders in a sort of hug.

Karma laid her head on Reagan's shoulder and wrapped an arm around Reagan's waist, hugging her softly and breathing her in.

"I'm an idiot," she whispered, resting into her Reagan, grateful for the hug.

"I know," Reagan smiled. But she held her too, resting her lips onto Karma's forehead and kissing her lightly. "I know," she sighed.

Karma cried silently into Reagan's neck. It was so odd to be so close to the person who had been holding Amy all of this time. Karma almost wanted to thank her for taking care of Amy and making her happy. But she knew it would come off wrong if she said anything else just now.

Karma wanted Amy to be happy, even if it meant losing her. She just couldn't go on any longer without telling her. She had to show Amy what it was like inside of her now that she'd left. And she did that. It was finally done.

The worst thing for either of them was the thought that they didn't even know each other any more.

The coffee shop went on as it usually did. People came, people left. Reagan held Karma while she cried.

They stayed for two hours like that, not speaking, both feeling sad and confused and wondering what the hell Amy was doing, though they both basically knew. Amy wasn't good with this stuff. That much was obvious. She didn't like hurting people or fucking things up. Karma and Reagan both envisioned her at home in her bed, weeping all alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Friends Don't Treat Me Like You Do**

**Part I**

Soft sheets, clean. A hand around her stomach. Breath in her hair.

"Mmmm," she wakes, rubbing the arm around her and pulling it close.

"Hey hey, now," Lauren said, snapping Amy into the new day with the gentle sound of her voice.

"Oh! Shit… Sorry," Amy said. She'd been imagining someone else but she didn't know exactly who.

"It's fine," Lauren smiled.

The cute part of it all was that Lauren didn't even pull away from her.

"Did you sleep with me all night?"

"I watched you sleep, if that's what you mean?"

"Wow… Sorry," Amy said again.

"I'm just glad you're okay," Lauren said.

"I dunno about all that," Amy said, scooting over to face her friend.

"About that…" Lauren said. "What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know," Amy said truthfully, wishing it was already dealt with. She hadn't the strength.

"Breakfast?" Lauren asked playfully. If she couldn't help she could at least distract.

"Yes please," Amy sighed, her soft smile returned after a night of frowns and sadness and Lauren adored the sight of it.

"Come on then, up up up!" Lauren said, moving to stand and get ready. Amy watched her fix her hair up and stick it effortlessly with a nearby pen just laying about. She always wished she could do stuff like that but she never could. Karma could get Amy's hair to do that but Amy could never do it to herself.

"Are we going or what?"

"Coming," Amy said, turning away with a smile and standing to look for clothes.

Lauren left and a knock came at Amy's door.

"You okay?"

"Not really," Amy said. The last thing she needed to worry about was her mother worrying about her.

"Sweetie… I just…"

"Mom, it's okay," Amy said. "I'm just going through things."

"Well, if you ever need-"

"I'm fine," Amy said. "Look, my legs both work, I can smile," she grinned fakely like she would way back when she was ten. "You don't need to be watching me like I'm some mental patient."

"At least you talk to Lauren," Farrah sighed, coming near and playing with Amy's hair lovingly. "You've had so much to deal with lately, I'm worried about you."

"Please stop worrying," Amy said. Farrah wanted to mention the thing going around the office yesterday about that poor girl who committed suicide because her parents kept calling her a boy.

"I love you," Farrah said shakily. It was hard to have a child when all the while you knew you were just a child too.

"I love you too," Amy said. She hugged her mom, knowing not of her thoughts.

Amy pulled away after a normal time had elapsed. "K, I'm gonna change now."

"K," Farrah sighed, taking in the sight of her again. Every time she looked at her daughter Amy looked different but still the same.

"Mom…"

"Okay, okay, I'm gettin' all sentimental," she laughed, wiping her eyes and leaving with a smile on.

Amy sighed once her door shut. She sat back down on her bed and exhaled.

"I'm starving! Can we go?!" Lauren called from the other side of her door.

"Just a sec," Amy said. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked. Still no messages.

She threw a different shirt on and pulled some shoes on real quick.

For a second she almost wondered if she should ask Reagan to come, just to see, but she shook it off. Her and Reagan needed to talk and they couldn't do that with Lauren there. Not really.

**Part II**

Saturday. The weekend.

Karma rolled onto her side and checked the clock.

9:32

The light on her phone blinked and she checked it. It wasn't Amy. She sighed sadly. It was a text from her mom.

Mom: _Already set-up at the farmer's market! Come on down if you feel like it! Fish tacos today! No pressure :)_

Sweet really. The farmer's market would be nice. Fresh greens, fresh fruit, fresh flowers that smell like heaven. Karma noticed the sun shining in through the gap in her curtain. It would be a lovely day, a day filled with freedom and nice things.

Despite all that, Karma rolled back onto her back and felt depressed. There were so many things to be happy about but still she was sad. Even before she had time to really think about the day she found her eyes crying of their own accord and her chest hurting without anything new having occurred to her specifically.

She wanted to text Amy but she knew it wasn't right. Amy knew all she needed to. If Amy wanted to talk to her she could, if not, okay. Karma had to move on now. It was all about moving on.

She lifted herself up, made herself get up. Slowly, she dressed. She'd ride her bike to the market today. She'd have a good day, sell smoothies to happy kids, make her parents smile, write a little music when she could.

**Part III**

"I should text her right?" Amy asked. They had been avoiding the topic, eating their food, and enjoying being out and alone again just like friends. Lauren told Amy all that had happened during the Pretty Little Liars Christmas special. They had planned on watching it together but lost track of the date and time. Truthfully Lauren just felt bad about reminding her. If Amy couldn't remember then it wasn't important that they do it together. Even now she felt sad about telling her everything. The only reason they were having breakfast together was because of what happened with Karma. Lately, Amy had been shutting a lot of people out, not just Karma.

"Call her," Lauren suggested. They were talking about Reagan.

"Lauren… I'm sorry I missed our night."

"It's fine Amy, we're not dating," Lauren made fun.

"Hey!" Amy pouted. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You spend all your time with your girlfriend's. That's normal."

"My girlfriend's? As in, more than one?" What was Lauren on?!

"You have to realize by now that, yes, Karma Ashcroft has always been your girlfriend."

"Hey! That's not even true!"

"It is true, look what she did to you…. Again," Lauren flared her eyes. It was too fun to tease Amy about her multiple girlfriends. Before it felt wrong to say anything because it wasn't her place to out Karma Ashcroft as a bisexual with an obvious crush on her sister but now it was all game and fair. Karma outted herself and punched through that wall all on her own. Any speculation now was completely unnecessary. The facts were the facts and Lauren was sort of delighted about them because they were a long time coming.

"Whatever," Amy shook it off, smiling despite herself.

"So…" Lauren asked with a smirk. She picked her panini up and bit into it. "What was it like?"

"What?"

"It was different, huh?" Lauren asked knowingly.

"How could you know that?!" Amy wanted to strangle her. Lauren was so freakin' creepy sometimes.

"Tell me," Lauren pushed. She looked around the diner and watched other people. She didn't need to see Amy to feel safe, she just needed to know Amy was there and she knew that already. Amy's words were enough, they always were.

"It was…" Amy groped for a word that would explain how great that kiss felt before she realized what it meant.

"Perfect?"

"Stop," Amy said.

"It was…"

"The kiss of destiny?"

"Lauren?!" Amy was too happy. She had to remind herself of Reagan and the situation. But Lauren was right. Lauren knew.

"It was powerful," Amy decided.

"You watch too much bullshit," Lauren said, tearing a piece of her bread and throwing it at her sister.

"I swear, you are such an asshole."

"Shut up, you love me."

"Yeah, cause I have to," Amy joked.

"Right, sure… You're so bad at lying Raudenfeld. You better pray you never have to testify to save someone's life."

"That's not even funny," Amy laughed. The thought was absurd and it would be a horrible situation for anyone involved.

Amy stared down at her phone nervously. She hoped it would buzz or ring and push things into motion but it wasn't going to do that and Lauren knew it.

"Well… Go ahead. Do it. I'll wait."

"No, that's rude."

"You are rude," Lauren joked.

"Fine," Amy said. She'd been itching to do it anyway. She picked her phone up off the table and scrolled for Reagan, pressing on the green phone icon.

The ring was stressful. It rang once and then again.

"Amy?"

"Yeah," Amy said.

"Hey," Reagan said. There were people talking and laughing where Reagan was. It was loud.

"Can I see you?" Amy asked.

"Can't," Reagan said, feeling sensitive and wishing she could see her right away. "I'm doing a job," she said. The weekends were her busiest days. Sometimes she'd do two gigs a day. Other times she'd just do one long one on Saturday or a short one on Sunday. People needed caterers and djs and face-painters and Reagan was always game because she needed the dough and her cousin got her the hook-up with requests.

"I wish I could see you," Amy said sadly. Lauren listened from across the table. She didn't look at her but she felt sorry for her and sad just being witness to the fall-out.

"I know," Reagan said, breathing heavy through the phone. Reagan was working hard to drown out her feelings but she was also having a hard time breathing today. Something about the incident last night had affected her body and weakened her physically and Amy's voice now was making it worse.. "I gotta go though," Reagan said.

"Okay…" Amy didn't know what else to say. "Can I call you later?"

"I'll call," Reagan decided. She'd make Amy wait now and Amy would wait, she wanted to wait. She wanted to do anything for Reagan, to love Reagan and fix the mess she helped to make.

"K."

There was a moment of silence. Reagan was waiting for the usual goodbye. But there was a pause and it lasted too long.

"I lo-"

The phone clicked off and to Amy it felt violent. Amy looked down at her phone and noticed that Reagan had ended the call in the middle of her sentence.

"Shit." She said simply, hitting her head back on the booth and hating herself.

"That bad huh?"

"She's working…"

"Well, she usually works the weekends. That's not a sign."

"I know," Amy sighed.

"What about Karma?"

"I don't think I should see her right now," Amy said. Karma had already fucked her up too much. Seeing her again now? What would that do?

"Fine… Suit yourself." Secretly, Lauren was thinking about how Karma was most definitely killing herself with her guilt.

"You think I should?"

"I think the sooner you figure this out the sooner you'll stop feeling like shit."

"What if it gets worse?"

"What if it gets better?" Lauren asked.

_Glass half empty… _Amy thought. She was always thinking that way.

"You're right," Amy said. But she didn't want Reagan to be any more upset. It wasn't right to go hangout with Karma while Reagan was stuck at work feeling lonely. "Maybe I should go to Reagan's work?"

"Probably not a good idea," Lauren mused.

"True…"

"Amy.. Just… Stop thinking, it's not going to help anything."

"No matter what I do I fuck things up."

"I know…" Lauren said, and for once she wasn't making a joke or making fun of her. "It's not you… You just have bad luck."

"More like, no luck."

"Hey, at least you have people in your life who love you and want you around."

"Thanks for that," Amy said, looking down with a blush in her cheek.

"I was talking about your girlfriend's but I guess I feel that way too," Lauren smiled. "Come on, finish up. I'll help you find her."

Lauren wanted Amy to be okay again. She wanted for things to not be such a dramatic mess. Plus she felt responsible for Amy now. Now that they were related she felt it her duty to fix the broken things in Amy's life, mend the wounds and bandage the tares. There was something there between them that meant they wanted to defend one another, protect one another, and be strong for each other in times of need.

**Part IV**

She was going to ride her bike but that just seemed silly once she got dressed and ready. In the mirror she had stared a long while and thought about last year and how different everything was.

Last year at this time she and Amy were kissing but they still felt like best friends.

This year? What were they? Were they even friends?

Karma pushed the thoughts down and forced herself to leave the house. She took a canvas backpack with water and her journal inside and she took her car mostly because she knew she'd go back to The Greenbelt right after the market and spend the day out in nature to try and calm her thoughts and control what she was feeling. Her guitar was still waiting for her in her trunk and she was itching to play it.

It was usually chilly out in the winter mornings so she also took one of Amy's hoodie sweaters so she could wear it and just dream.

It was funny, she realized, now that Amy was always gone and she had no one else to impress she had been dressing up for no one, wearing the most adorable things that no one would notice. Today she just put on jeans. She didn't want to think about how cute she looked for no one but herself. It was another sad thing about her life. If she dressed down she wouldn't think about it.

In the car, they brainstormed. Lauren and Amy decided they pretty much knew where Karma was. Every Saturday Karma's parents did the farmer's market and every Saturday resisting at least a brief visit to the food truck was pretty freakin' hard.

The Ashcroft's were like magicians in the kitchen. They made such wonderful things.

Lauren suggested it and Amy agreed right away. They figured if Karma wasn't there the trip wouldn't even be wasted because Lauren loved the farmer's market and always wanted greens from there when she could squeeze it in. Plus, the Ashcroft's always gave them free smoothies and that alone was worth the trip.

"What are you going to say?"

"I dunno," Amy shifted in her seat.

They pulled up and parked in the paved lot. The farmer's market was packed, as usual. People parked their bikes all over the place. There was live music coming from inside. Dogs were everywhere and Amy had to stop herself from smiling. It was so nice. She missed it.

"Look," Lauren said.

The Ashcroft's were in the truck today and they had a long line. Occasionally they would just set up a stand like the others since it seemed to do better business at times and provide more of a chance for open conversation with the community. But today they were in the truck and right near the truck, and behind it a bit, Karma sat alone at a picnic table, holding her face up with her hand and writing something down sadly in that notebook Amy had given her.

"Fuck it. I can't do this," Amy said, turning around to walk back to the car.

"You're not doing anything," Lauren said. "You're just talking."

"Do you have any idea what this feels like?" Amy huffed, feeling stressed.

"Not really but I know you'll feel better if you talk." That was always what those two needed.

"I'm angry at her Lauren… I'm never angry at her."

"I dunno… You've been angry at her a lot this year."

"Yeah but it's not her fault."

"So what, maybe she needs to know that you're angry."

"No one needs to know that the person they love is pissed at them."

"Will you stop making excuses and just go over there? I don't want to think about this all fucking day."

"Fine," Amy said in her defeated voice. Lauren had been nice. Lauren was driving her around. Lauren picked her up last night when she was a dirty heap of nothing. And Lauren was usually right. She usually was.

Amy tried to be strong as she walked her way to Karma. Lauren trailed behind, leaving way too much space and eventually ditching her altogether to watch nervously from the parking lot.

As she approached the picnic table Karma didn't even know someone was there.

"Hi," Amy said.

Karma felt her heart jump. She sat up a little straight and looked up at her.

"Amy," she said. It wasn't a question or a surprise. It was just a breath of Amy. Just like relief.

"I… I thought I should come see you."

"You really didn't have to," Karma said, feeling likely to burst again. She knew more than anyone that Amy should just ignore her forever. Amy would be happier if she'd just ignore her forever.

"I wanted to," Amy said, sitting down across from her, almost scared of falling into her lips again.

Sometime in the morning Amy had stopped to wonder how that had even happened the night before. She knew she must've played some part in the kiss. Plus, how long had they actually kissed before she noticed what she was doing? When she thought about the kiss it did many things to her, all of them confusing.

"You're sweet," Karma said, staring up at her and seeing again that Amy was her friend. Lately, when she looked at her, Amy didn't look back. Now she looked at her like she used to. Karma wasn't a ghost anymore.

"I'm sorry," Amy said.

"That's crazy," Karma smiled. Of all the things for Amy to say? _I'm sorry_ just seemed ridiculous now.

"I was mean yesterday, about-"

"Yeah, but you had a good reason to be."

"I shouldn't have treated you like that… Pushed you."

"Amy, come on, it's fine."

"It isn't," Amy insisted, tears rushing her. "What you said before? If you had done that to me when I…"

"Amy, don't, it's no big deal."

"It's a huge deal, Karma." Amy felt herself getting angry again. Before she thought she was mad at Karma but really she was mad at herself for avoiding that feeling between them, the feeling that had always obviously been mutual in every way.

"I fucked things up for you and I shouldn't have. I was weak."

"Karma, you kept this from me for months." To Amy that was the definition of strength.

Karma didn't know what to say. She didn't want to say anymore. She just wanted Amy to stay.

"Did you talk to her?" Karma asked, changing the topic. She didn't want to think that Amy was proud of her because Amy really shouldn't be proud of her, no one should.

"Not yet…" Amy looked down at her hands and started to play with her fingers. "She's working."

"Not even a text?"

"I couldn't really do much last night." What with the debilitating crying that swallowed her up.

_I wish I could've held you_, Karma thought. But she also knew that she was the cause and the problem.

"I met with her."

"What?" Rage filled her up. Every time Karma talked to Reagan it was usually a disaster.

"It wasn't bad. I just told her that you stopped it and that you loved her and that I was an idiot and that I was sorry."

"Oh…" Amy tried to process it all and imagine it all coming from Karma and how well Reagan would receive such a thing.

"I needed her to know that it wasn't your fault. And then I was dumb and I started to cry. It was sweet though… She… She sort of, held me for a while."

_Sweet…_ Amy thought. Confusion. Confusion. Confusion.

"Did she say anything?"

"She said things, just not much…" Karma's mind flew back to that dig. She could hear Reagan's voice speaking: _It seems like you made a move on my girlfriend. _She wouldn't tell Amy about that and everything else was something the two of them needed to say to each other. Second-hand it would be no good.

Amy let out a large sigh. She placed her hands down on the bench and looked around worriedly at the beautiful day and the happy people and the bustle of a Saturday in Austin.

In her mind, Karma felt stressed. Amy was here but why was she here?

Amy wanted to be with Reagan, she needed to be with Reagan, and Karma could tell.

"I know it doesn't help anything," Karma started. "But I did what I did because I hated that I was lying to you every day."

"I know," Amy said, pushing the explanation away. Somehow it didn't matter much right now. But if the shoe had been on the other foot Amy would've done the same and she knew it. That's why being upset with Karma was so fucking hard.

"You should… You should go Amy," Karma said, deciding it for her, fixing it for her.

"I feel horrible," Amy said. There were so many reasons now to feel horrible. She'd hurt Reagan, she'd hurt Karma. She had these feelings she couldn't get rid of that made her overly happy and hopeful and also guilty and strange. There was no fixing it, no helping.

Karma felt a brief moment of weakness. I chance to make Amy feel something good and know her again.

"You know… After I left yesterday, I parked somewhere else and crawled back onto the seat just to try and feel you there again…"

"Karma…" A tug pulled at Amy from inside, causing her to stare at her friend with mixed emotions.

"I know," Karma wept briefly before pulling it together. "It's dumb. I'm dumb. Crazy."

"No." Amy tried to comfort her but Karma knew she had to suck it up.

"Well… I just want you to know that I want you to be happy… Despite what it seems."

"It seems like you love me Karma… Just like you've always loved me." Amy rest a hand on hers to comfort but it made everything worse for the both of them because a touch now could get both their hearts pounding.

"I know why you moved on… It was too hard with me."

"I wasn't with you Karma," Amy pulled her hand away and hugged her stomach. Karma was acting like they were already a couple or something when Reagan showed up.

"Amy, this is more than just…" She didn't know how to explain it. "When you started dating Reagan you didn't just start dating Reagan."

"You're talking in circles," Amy looked away on purpose. She needed the words but the words were so hard to take in.

"You pushed me away, Amy. And that's fine. I mean, I deserved it, and I knew why. I just didn't know what was happening when it was happening because you didn't even tell me."

Amy wiped a tear from her eye and went back to leaning her hands on the bench and pretending she wasn't feeling a damn thing.

"The only way for you to get over me was for you to be away from me."

"Karma…" Amy didn't want her to talk about it.

"I guess at some point I realized… You were the only person I ever wanted in my life really… You still are."

"Come on," Amy said, begging for her to stop. She pushed the tears from her eyes again and looked out at everyone else. She wanted not to hear the truth. She wanted for Karma to always stay oblivious to what Amy had really done back then. She knew it was the truth but she wanted not to hear it. Her position was a tough one.

"We don't have to talk about it. We don't have to do anything. I just needed you to know that I figured it out."

Karma reached for her but Amy pulled her hand away knowing that she couldn't take it right now.

Amy stood up and tried to hold back the avalanche of feels that was threatening to burst from her.

"I understand if you can't be my friend, Amy. I understand it now," Karma said, tears rushing her and crushing her. Those words. Words she thought she'd never have to say.

"I'll always be your friend," Amy said, looking down at Karma all at once, the girl who couldn't even look at her now that she herself finally worked up the strength.

"Maybe we just need to be apart right now," Karma fought her tears and hopes. They had been apart for months really. Up until now, when Amy talked to her she didn't see her or hear her. Besides the car, this was the first real conversation they had in months. They were finally talking about the important things.

"Maybe," Amy decided.

Once she said it, Karma turned into her hand and held at her mouth to stop the agonized sob that desperately wished to escape from her.

In the end, she had to force Amy to realize what she had done to her. Abandoning someone? Ignoring them? Completely treating them like they will always be around so their feelings shouldn't matter as much? Amy had done all those things to her but she had done them in self-preservation.

"Look, I don't know the answer, Karma, and I don't want to choose."

"I know," Karma said, crying in that way she did that was almost silent but obviously painful. "That's why I'm helping you," Karma said, standing up.

Amy watched as Karma stuffed her book back into her bag and placed it up on her shoulder. She walked close to her and stood close but Karma was afraid to touch her because she wanted it so bad now and she knew she had to give it up.

"You've always been there," Karma said, looking up at her, taking her hands. "Always saved me…" She cried but she smiled now because this was the right thing to do and for once she could do the right thing. "You've been my princess and my prince, my muse and my girlfriend," Karma laughed.

Amy couldn't help but melt. She didn't like this, she hated it. But she loved it because she loved Karma and this was so fucking Karma to give a speech and hold her hands and make her feel like she was the only person in the whole world when so many people lived around them and interacted with them every day.

"But," Amy felt the tide change. For a brief second Karma was happy but then she shifted. "Lately…" Karma needed to say the things that were hard to say. "All I do is hurt you," Karma said. But the words had a hard time coming out. Amy looked down at her and wanted desperately to say, _**no**_. "You love me and I hurt you. You try to leave me and I hurt you. All I do, All I ever do, is hurt you and I don't want it. I'm sick of it. I don't want it anymore," Karma wept.

From the parking lot Lauren was watching and crying. She didn't know what was being said but she could imagine it and even in her imagination it was dead fucking on. Karma Ashcroft would always win the award for loving Amy the most. Just like she'd always win the award for doing everything wrong except that.

"You're all I want, Amy…. You're all I've ever wanted," she cried and Amy cried too wanting to fight her but losing all power when she spoke. "I mean, it took me a while," Karma laughed. "But I figured it out…" She looked up at her with a strength and happiness in her eyes that hadn't been there for a long while and Amy saw it, she noticed the change.

"You don't have to-"

"Shhh," Karma said, shaking her head and looking down. "Just this once… Can I be the one who saves you?" Karma begged, looking up at her and fighting hard not to lose it. "Please?" She smiled, while asking for something horrible.

"No," Amy said.

"It's not the end, I promise it's not."

"Karma…" The way Amy said her name just then it called to her, begging her, all it said was: _no no no, please no, anything but… no._

But Karma knew, she had to make it happen. This had to be her because Amy would never do it.

Determined, Karma slid a hand up to Amy's neck and pulled her sad friend down into her, kissing her with the wanting she had built up inside and the need she had in her and the dreams she had planned that she knew she had to toss away. She kissed her with the love she now felt more than ever.

At first Amy let herself be kissed but then, all at once, she was kissing her back. Instead of fighting her or stopping her or thinking about Reagan and how this would hurt her, Amy pulled Karma into her and kissed her like she dreamed of doing for so many nights before, and sadly during, her few months with Reagan. Amy wanted to feel her now, she wanted all of it and for once their forever felt entirely threatened.

If this was the last moment they'd have, Amy wanted to be in it, live it, feel her, let her know how much she meant and how much she was wanted. Amy kissed her and Karma felt herself becoming greedy and wanting more, but she knew she had to stop it now, she knew she shouldn't even have taken her kiss.

Karma loved that Amy held her, that for maybe just once they could kiss and have it mean the same. She tasted her and savored her and felt weak and defeated by a love she finally understood and knew and wanted to cherish and keep for all time.

Reluctantly, knowing she had to be strong, Karma pulled away and rest her head on Amy's neck, hugging her tight and knowing that this might be the very end of their love. The tempting feel of her, the taste of Amy on her tongue, Karma could easily see just giving in and kissing her again, taking her, but it would be wrong.

"I want you to be happy," Karma whispered. Amy was holding her so tight now, clutching onto her for dear life.

"You make me happy," Amy said. But it was wrong and she knew it. Karma did make her happy, she used to. And that kiss made her happy. But this was broken. They were broken.

"I don't," Karma cried, all the while craving the touch of Amy's skin…. Wishing she could fix it all and just go back.

"I love you," Amy said.

"I know," Karma wept. "I know…"

Amy held her and kissed her hair. She didn't want to let go because letting go meant it was done.

"Let me do this for you. Please…" Karma cried. "I need to do this for you."

"Don't I have any say?" Amy whimpered, trying to keep her despite what it would mean.

"You need me to go," Karma said. "It's the only way." It had been that one truth. It took her two months to fully realize what Amy was really doing to her, pushing her away, ignoring her, making her think all of these things when she should just be feeling normal about her friend. Amy had purposely neglected her because it was easier than this.

"I hate it," Amy cried, not wanting it, not wanting it at all.

Would it be the end? Would they never talk again? What was Karma going to do? How was this even going to work? They spent their whole lives chasing each other. Their entire lives were spent following and leading and being in this thing that nobody else could ever understand.

"I'm letting go now," Karma warned, her chest heaving. Her tears falling hard and her chest burning from heartache.

"No," Amy said, holding onto her tight.

"Amy, let go," Karma said.

Karma took her hands and grabbed at Amy's wrists, forcing Amy to lower her arms and let her go. Something about the way she did it really got to Amy. Karma had never tried to wiggle out of a hug or leave her, she only ever did the opposite. But now…

"I don't want to live without you."

"I'll be here if you need me… Just… Here…" Karma wasn't going to keep placing herself inside Amy's life. It was done. She was done.

Sensing a need, and a meaning, Lauren hurried over to the two of them and placed a firm hand on Amy's lower-arm, "Come on Amy, it's time to go."

Karma breathed in deep and nodded but she couldn't stop seeing her friend and the way her friend saw her now.

"Go on, I'm not dying," Karma laughed painfully to try and play it off. It felt sharp in her chest like a knife she had swallowed.

"Come on," Lauren said, pulling Amy again and feeling as she turned now to follow and let herself be led away from the place she really wanted to be.

Karma watched. She tried to be strong.

Lauren was practically carrying Amy. The girl could hardly walk. Karma had taken her will and decided things for them both.

Karma watched and waited, the fear building up in her chest and frightening her beyond comprehension.

They'd never done this before, not consciously.

As soon as Lauren started the car and sped off away from the market, Karma ran.

She wasn't chasing the car but she was trying to beat her emotions and check them and prove that she could do this. She could let herself give her up. She ran fast with her bag on her shoulder. When she finally reached the edge of the lot she saw Amy staring back at her with tears in her eyes, watching her as she left.

It was dramatic but it made sense. Amy wouldn't be able to just say no to Karma if things still seemed like they had always been. Karma knew she had to push her away.

As Amy faded from view Karma let herself fall to the ground and release all her pained cries.

Her mother had seen the last of it, seen her daughter sprint with tears in her eyes. She followed quickly after and fell down to the ground too, wrapping Karma up in a loving hug though she knew not of her daughter's sadness, she'd soon learn.


End file.
